


i think i’ve seen this film before, and i didn’t like the ending

by delorange



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: 4000 words of waffle, AU Kinda?, Angst, F/M, Link in notes, Maybe - Freeform, Mentions of Sex, divorced but not really, i will go to the grave shipping them, like they got divorced but lived together while april was pregnant idk, spotify playlist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:02:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28140588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delorange/pseuds/delorange
Summary: jackson and april are divorced, and need to learn the meaning of the word, quickly.
Relationships: Jackson Avery/April Kepner
Kudos: 40





	i think i’ve seen this film before, and i didn’t like the ending

**Author's Note:**

> hey! a comment on my last fic kinda inspired this, and idk if it’s shit coz i haven’t edited or anything but pls this is probably the longest i’ve ever managed x
> 
> ALSO omg i had 4000 of a christmas made to order au with these two and it was the cutest and then i went back to it and it had deleted?????? wtf i was not very happy
> 
> oh and i posted this forgetting i made a tiny [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4RH9ZkKr8T2vGm61Df16Z9?si=5dlsKBN7TH6b3xtk0-imOA) for it, it’s meant to be in order idfk tho

divorced  
/dɪˈvɔːst/  
adjective  
no longer married because the marriage has been  
legally dissolved.  
_"a divorced couple"_

April wakes up with her back pressed against Jackson's chest, just the way she likes. His arm is slung over her waist, and his face is buried in her hair. He snores softly, and, like most mornings, April wakes up utterly contented. 

She silently slips out of bed and tiptoes past Harriet's room. She's not awake yet, and there's no reason to wake her. She'd like to give Jackson the extra rest, anyway, before a beautiful, screaming, crying baby can interrupt. 

The kitchen is too cold. One of Jackson's hoodies is lying discarded on the sofa, and she doesn't think twice before tugging it over her head. It's too big for her, but it feels like a warm hug. She puts the coffee on, and gets the ingredients out to make a nice breakfast for her family. 

Twenty minutes later, the stairs creak, and Jackson appears, balancing Harriet on one hip and a basket of laundry on the other. "Morning," he whispers to April. He wears only shorts and a soft smile, which he shares between his daughter and April. Reluctantly, he hands his baby girl over to her mom and puts a load of washing on, and then a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon is set in his place.

"You didn't have to do this!" he protests quietly, but she simply pushes it a little closer. He sighs and sits at the breakfast bar, digging in. April looks on fondly for a moment, before joining him with her own. 

They make hushed conversation, full of musical giggles and light touches, until Harriet wails, now back on her dad's shoulder. He stands and coos her until she's calm, and then he lets April take her. "Only for a second!" she promises. Jackson hates to let her go almost as much as she does. 

He goes upstairs to get ready for the day, and she follows to dress Harriet. From the position of the bed in her room and the sink in the bathroom, Jackson and April can watch each other and smile when they lock eyes. April picks out her favourite baby grow, and Jackson seconds her excellent choice, so he takes her downstairs to let April get ready. 

She stuffs the hoodie away in her room, and goes to his room, where most of her stuff seems to be these days anyway. The bed is made, throw pillows and all. She doesn't stifle the laugh, even though it's a familiar sight. She thinks Jackson's really warming to them. From what is planned she has a relatively light day, but she's a trauma surgeon, she can't really plan for anything, so she makes no special effort, and joins Jackson and Harriet downstairs. 

His eyes follow her as she packs their lunches into a bag, taking her chances on whether he'll actually fancy leftover spaghetti bolognese. They've made good time this morning - the Avery household is usually rushing, because Harriet is fussing, or one of them woke up late, or they never slept at all because the other was at the hospital and now they're running on coffee and smashed down emotions. 

Their shoes are lined up by the door in size order, one of Jackson's traditions. He helps April into her coat, and they pile into the car. 

It's so domestic, she almost forgets she's divorced. 

*

"You'll never believe what Sofia just sent me, have a look, here," Arizona shoves a phone in her face, and even Sofia's terrible drawing can't ruin her morning. There's a trauma two minutes out, a father and daughter, and she's beyond excited. Not for the father and daughter, obviously, but Owen is visiting family in Scotland, so she has full jurisdiction in the ER. 

April makes some kind of polite comment just as Arizona slams into Jackson. "Sorry, wasn't looking where I was going," he rubs the back of his neck. Arizona assures him it's fine, but he's already diverted his attention. "Hey."

"Hey, did you get my message about play group?" April's mom told her it's never to early to put your kid into a play group, and it's a chance to meet other moms as well, but she wanted to run it by Jackson first, get his insight. 

"Yeah, I mean, if you want to, I'm up for it."

She claps her hands, "Great! Can you meet for lunch in the nursery?"

"Of course," he beams, and he holds her gaze for a moment. He clears his throat, and excuses himself. "See you later guys."

April catches a look on Arizona's face that she can't quite decipher. "What?"

"Nothing, nothing. Come on, we have to get going."

*

Jackson walks away from April with a smile on his face. He'd just had to tell a kid his tumour was inoperable, which is pretty tough, but April always injected a dose of lightness into his mood. There's a voice from behind him, "Jackson! Hey, Jackson, wait up!"

Maggie jogs up and brushes her hand on his arm. "Hey," he smiles politely. She falls into step beside him, silent for a few moments until she steels herself. 

"Can I buy you a drink? I have something to say." They stop and he looks at her. Her eyes tell him everything she wants to say. A huge sinking feeling settles in his stomach, which is insane, because he's not married, and she's only offering a drink, a free one, at that. But his brain is screaming April, and he can't ignore it. 

"Oh, Maggie, I- I'm flattered, but-" Maggie takes a protective step back. Her face drops, and Jackson can't help but feel sorry for her. 

She shakes her head, cutting him off, "No, that's totally okay! Of course it is, I mean, I don't tell you what to do or anything, you don't need me to tell you what's okay- I-," she sighs at her incessant rambling. "I'm sorry. See you later."

He lets her walk away. 

He's not sure what this means. He was totally fine with the situation at home. He just liked holding April, spending time with April, and there was nothing wrong with that. They could be divorced and still close like they were before, this way just meant no messy arguments that ended in crying and screaming and drinking, which couldn't happen anyway because they have a baby now. 

But his encounter with Maggie makes him question his comfortable familiarity. He's starting to think that maybe they're too comfortable. There's never been such a thing between April and him, their connection had only grown stronger and stronger right up until Samuel, but now it's severed completely. There's a document to prove it. 

He thinks, maybe, they should start acting like it. 

The OR floor isn't exactly the place for an existential crisis, so he stops in front of the board and pushes his surgery forwards, right into his and April's lunch time. It'll give him more time to mull it over in relative privacy, and god knows he needs it. 

The rest of the day passes April-free, though he does indeed devote his entire surgery to thinking about her. Boundaries would be a good thing. Good thing. Good. He repeats it to himself. It would allow him to date, at any rate. He can't really date when there's another woman sleeping in his bed. 

And he wants to date. That's another thing he repeats. He wants to get back out there. Maybe he should've said yes to Maggie. Maybe not yet. Maybe he waits until April is out of his bed and back into her role as his ex-wife. Maybe that'll never happen. Maybe he actually wouldn't mind that. 

He has a board meeting after his surgery - they want to cut budgets again, and they decide he's going to try and get more money off his mom, again. It's the same old rigmarole. 

There's an emergent liver lac in the ER when Jackson gets out of his last appointment of the day, so he takes Harriet, sends April a text to let her know that he's got her, and leaves. 

When April finally gets in it's late, considering she was on a night shift, but she goes straight to the kitchen and begins chopping vegetables. "There's Thai in the fridge, you know."

She continues chopping. "Meal prep. Saves me from doing it some other time."

"I know what meal prep is." He can see her rolls her eyes from across the room. "I don't know why you're not eating Thai food in bed now. How long was that shift, 30 hours?"

"34," she mumbles. "But I'm not tired." It's a lie, but she still eats her dinner on the couch and watches Jackson play with their baby. 

Once she falls asleep, April picks her up and Jackson bites his lip. "Got back on Tinder lately?"

She looks up like a deer caught in the headlights. Her expression would suggest she has and hasn't told him, but there's a raw edge to her voice when she speaks that tells him she definitely, definitely hasn't. "No, why? Have you?"

"No. But I've been thinking about it," he adds. Just to gauge her reaction. It's not like it's not true. 

"Oh. Oh, yeah, okay, yeah, that makes sense." She nods one too many times. "I just-" she begins, but falls silent. She gives her undivided attention back to the Thai. 

She doesn't speak much more that afternoon at all. She stays awake much past what she should after a mammoth shift like that. She cuddles Harriet and whispers into her hair, answering his comments politely but without the enthusiasm that she would normally exude. 

He wants to drop kick himself into a burning building. He's done that, and it feels awful for him, so he can't even imagine what it must feel like for her. Except, it also feels weirdly good. They've established at least a semblance of a boundary. That's good, that means he can put some distance between them.

That notion of a boundary is solidified when April doesn't join him in his room for the first time in months. She only climbs into bed at 7pm, when she should've gotten off shift at 12 o'clock sharp earlier in the day, and barely bids him goodnight before retiring. 

He thinks that's what he wants. He knows it's what he wanted. But the bed is cold, and too big, and all the cliches you hear on the movies. Except they're cliches for a reason, and he's not sure he sleeps a wink. 

*

A couple of days later, they're both home in the evening, well rested, without an early get up in the morning. These are rare, and they usually take full advantage. They put Harriet down a little early, crack open a nice bottle of wine or two, and watch a movie, huddled together beneath a blanket. April, for one, is very excited. 

Jackson has kind of been avoiding her these past few days, as much as a person can when they live with you. They haven't been sleeping in the same bed, either, and he often disappears early so they don't have to carpool. She doesn't know what's up with him. 

When she's all cosy in her pyjamas, an old Julia Roberts rom-com loaded on the screen (they take turns to pick) he plods down the stairs still dressed. "I'm going out, I'll be back late."

She turns around as he's pulling a new pair of Jordans on. She would normally tease him about yet another new pair of sneakers, but he doesn't seem to be in the mood. "We don't have to wake up early in the morning, are you sure-?"

"Yeah, I'll see you later." He slams the door behind him. She looks at it strangely. She can't think for the life of her what's making him so acerbic, and she makes a point of asking him the next day. 

"Is everything okay?"

His cold demeanour of late melts away instantly, and he looks... guilty? "Huh? Yeah, fine."

"You went out yesterday, which is fine, obviously, but, I don't know, you just seemed... off." Off is an understatement. He shifts awkwardly, and pats the couch next to him. She comes around the kitchen island and sits next to him. 

"I think... We need boundaries, April." She frowns almost reflexively. 

"How so?" 

"Like, between us." He exhaled deeply and looks up from the ground with a sort of half-shrug. "We're divorced," he tags on. As if she's going to forget. 

"Yeah..." She doesn't know where he's going with this, and she really, really doesn't like it. 

"I'm not asking you to move out," he says quickly. A pang of relief. "I'm just saying I think our lives need to be more separate. Eat dinner separately more often, carpool a little less, stuff like that." She wrinkles her nose. What's wrong with what they're doing now? It makes sense, because they live in the same house. This new thing Jackson's proposing is just inefficient. 

"You don't think so?"

"Wouldn't it just make everything a little difficult?'

"But I can't go on like this, April, because I-," he stops himself and sighs. "Maggie asked me out. I said no, because of you." April's heart does something stupid in her chest. 

"I wish I could say yes." Oh. "But our lives, our supposedly single lives, are so intertwined-"

"Because we have a daughter!" she bursts out. She's hovering on the edge of the couch now, tense and unable to sit back into the leather. "We live in the same house! We've spent 10 years together, I'd like to see you try and completely stay away from me!"

"That's not what I'm saying!" His wine glass is safely on the coffee table. "I want to date, April, and you make that impossible!"

"That's not my problem! You wanted a divorce, you sort it out!" She storms off, heat rushing through her veins. She's _fuming._ The audacity to ask her for a divorce, to not even ty and save their marriage and then tell her she's stopping him from dating! She's not standing in the way of anything he wants to do - it's not her place, they're not married. He made sure of it. 

They put Harriet down earlier on, but April can hear her gurgling as she reaches the top of the stairs. Harriet is like a kind of comfort blanket for her, which is really bad to admit about your baby, but she manages to make any situation just a little bit better. So she scoops her up and carries her into her room, giving her a little toy to play with while she tries to teach her to stand. 

When she hears Jackson follow her up to bed a couple of hours later, she doesn't look up from feeding. She can sense that he stands there for a moment, before going to his own room. She sighs. She didn't know what she expected really, other than him wanting to date. It doesn't mean it doesn't make her feel emotionally drained any less. 

She reaches for her phone. "Can you come over?"

Arizona arrives twenty minutes later with wine and cookies, and tucks herself into bed next to April. "Jackson wants to date."

"Your face isn't telling me that's a good thing..." Arizona takes a big gulp of her wine.

April swigs from the bottle. "Of course it's not!"

Arizona's mouth hangs open dumbly. "You're divorced."

"No shit!" She wishes people would stop reminding her of that. She knew it, it was Jackson who obviously didn't. "We never slept together. Then we got divorced, at his request, and he came back to share our bed. This is his fault," she grumbles, referring to her pretty obvious hang up on him. If they'd just had a clean break, none of this would've happened. 

Arizona sucks in a breath. "It may well be, but..."

"Spit it out," April brandishes the bottle haphazardly. It's already nearly half gone. 

"Now he's realised. Whatever honeymoon period you had is over. He's doing the right thing."

"But it's not the right thing, anymore, Arizona, that's what I'm saying! He's stopping whatever we were doing just as I realise I want to carry on!" The blonde just pulls April into her arms. She feels so stupid. She probably had a chance to properly get over him initially, but he dragged it on, and now she's here. Here as in, bawling over him while he's literally in the next room which they literally shared until recently. Stupid. 

"He wants to date; you date first. Give yourself a head start."

April dismisses the idea immediately. "I don't want to date."

Arizona shrugs as if to say 'take it or leave it'. "All the more reason."

It's a good few weeks later before April can bring herself to take the advice. Words have been few and far between between her and Jackson, but he still hasn't gone out with Maggie, which she puts down as a positive in her book. 

She doesn't actually want to find a nice man to date, she cannot force herself to take a single interest in that, and she's never been a good actress. But a one night stand, she thinks she can manage. 

She gets properly dressed up for the first time in a while, but she's nervous. She's never 'pulled' before, she doesn't even know where to begin. She's slept with one man in her entire life. Is she even good? Is that just with Jackson? God, she needs alcohol, and fast. 

Her bar of choice is a classy hotel bar a little while away. She has no intention of picking up anyone from the hospital, which is why Alex Karev totally blindsides her. "Looking good, Kepner." He runs his eyes up and down her body, and she squirms a little.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she hisses. She doesn't want to give the impression that they're there together, so she keeps her distance. 

His expression instantly closes off. "I could ask you the same question." So it's about Jo, she thinks. 

Funny how they've always been so different, yet they've both found themselves here, in exactly the same situation. 

She shuffles up to him and flags down the bartender. "You paying?" Alex asks incredulously. 

"Take turns," she replies, knocking back the first two tequila shots. 

"Who knew the Virgin Mary was an alcoholic?" His voice is lighter, more teasing than malicious.

She smirks. "I've had a lot of practice," she pauses and does two more, "I'm divorced, remember?"

"How could I forget?"

"Jackson did." She realises what she's said and does another two shots. "Come on, you're six down!"

When it hits them both, they are a mess. Ironically it's probably the longest time they've ever willingly spent together. She leans against him for support at the bar, but he's not better than her. They both nearly fall down multiple times, and burst into fits of giggles when they actually do so outside of the hotel at the end of the night. 

"You got a ride?" She doesn't, but by the looks of it he doesn't either. She shakes her head and he grabs her wrist. "My apartment is, like, 15 blocks away." He can't quite remember how far 15 blocks actually is, but neither of them notice the distance particularly. People passing by give them dirty looks, but they don't even notice until they're up in Alex's loft. 

He takes his shirt off as soon as they're inside. She laughs manically, "Look at you!" When his pants come off, so does her dress, and the laughter turns into loaded looks. 

"You're hot, Kepner," he tells her, putting his hands on her waist. They don't feel like Jackson's, but she doesn't think about that. 

"You're hot too, Karev," and their lips attach, sloppy and drunken. 

When she wakes naked in his bed the next morning, it's by a certain blonde resident who looks like she's moments away from crying. 

April feels the same. 

*

Jackson spots her at the coffee cart. She didn't come home last night and she didn't answer her phone. He fretted all night, not that he'd admit it. He was just glad she was okay. 

As he approached her from behind, he caught the tail end of her rant to Arizona. “It’s not like I meant to sleep with him, okay? Alex regrets it, I regret it...”

“You slept with Karev?” Both women look at him like he’s an alien. He can’t escape the sharp pinch at his heart. He said he’s dating, she has every right to, but Karev? Really? 

There’s a flash of guilt in April’s eyes, and then she sets her jaw. “Yeah.”

It doesn’t make sense. April can’t do casual sex. She’s never had to before, but they did try initially, after the plane crash. But, look where that left them. Does that mean she actually likes Karev? Or something else? “But causal sex-”

She shakes her head to silence him. “I slept with Alex. I don’t plan on it again,” she adds deliberately. He nods, feeling a little more self-assured, but that still doesn’t explain why she did it. He has half a mind to ask, but Arizona steers her away and sends Jackson a stony look for good measure.

Did she sleep with Alex to hurt him? That seems most likely. And, fuck, it worked. He’s made a mistake. 

But then admitting to that mistake would obviously be even more catastrophic than making it. So he pages Maggie to the ER. “Hey, uh, does the offer still stand? For drinks, I mean.”

Her face quickly brightens up. “Yeah, sure! Tonight, 8pm at Joe’s?” He agrees and she goes on her way to a consult. April is inputting information to a chart. He sidles his way over, feeling particularly mean. 

“I’m going out tonight.”

She doesn’t look up, but red creeps up her neck. “Okay?”

“With Maggie, we’re going for drinks. I’ll be out late, don’t wait up.”

“Wasn’t gonna.” They both know she was. 

He leaves, and they don’t carpool on the way home. 

A couple of hours later, it’s like deja vu. He’s going out to get drunk and run away from his problems, and she’s curled up on the couch feeling sorry for herself. At least that was the plan. “Why Maggie?”

“Huh?” He shrugs on a jacket. 

“You heard.”

He frowns. “Why not? She’s pretty, funny, nice...” he trails off. 

“Aren’t you the charmer,” April drawls sarcastically. Jackson nearly smiles, he nearly does, but there’s something more serious on his mind. 

“Why Alex?”

April rolls her eyes, but her tone becomes a little more urgent. “Stop, Jackson, that was different-”

“How? How is sleeping with someone else to hurt me any different to this?” 

April looks scandalised at the accusation, and he instantly wonders if he’s gone too far. “I didn’t do it to hurt you, I did it because you hurt me!”

Oh. He takes his jacket off. 

She rises from the chair and takes a barely-restrained step towards him with every sentence. “You told me you wanted to start dating! You distanced yourself from me, hey, you served me the freaking divorce papers in the first place, Jackson! It’s not fair! It’s always been one rule for one around here, and I refuse to let you call all the shots anymore!”

“You left me for a war zone, April! Our child died and you left me all alone to pick up the pieces!” 

They watch each other for a tense moment, keeping a safe distance apart and with the couch between them. Then April sighs, “I’m not having this fight again, you’re gonna be late.”

“I’m not going.” He kicks his shoes off and puts them away. “We need to talk. Properly. We do, not divorce lawyers, or custody lawyers, or anything other tactics we’ve employed in the past to avoid doing so.”

“I tried to talk, I tried to make things right-”

“But I couldn’t- you were suffocating me.”

April scoffs, “Wow.”

“Were,” he hurries to emphasise. “Every minute of the day, you were there, reminding me of what you did and I couldn’t handle it. Then we got divorced, and all our problems just... crumbled away. It was perfect.” He whispers the last part, almost wistfully.

He wishes they could just go back to when everything was good. He feels so much anger, anger towards himself, April, the boards, Matthew, osteogenesis imperfecta, Iraq, the lawyers, his mom, everything that ever contributed anything towards where they are right now. 

It’s clear that April feels the same. She manoeuvres around the couch and sighs again, “Yeah, but we’re still divorced.”

He closes the rest of the distance and takes her face in his hands. Her hair curls around his fingers. His palms are warm and flat against her cheeks. She’s breathtakingly beautiful. Jackson can’t fathom how he’s been in her orbit for 10 years and ever forgotten it for a single second. “Yeah, but we’re still in love with each other.”

And when he crashes their lips together, it feels like coming home for good. They’d slipped up before, kissed ‘accidentally’, but this wasn’t a slip up. This was it. They’d communicated, they’d worked some stuff out. The past is the past, it can’t be changed, but what can be is the future, and in this moment Jackson makes every vow to not waste another second.


End file.
